A Condom In Time

On a worrisome and delicious morning, Iden sat on a boat. It was Valentine's Day and she was all alone. Her nose ached in sorrow for the secret love that she could never share. How could she expect Candy to love someone with a putrid penis?

Horrifyingly, she began to recite a poem she had composed. "Ah, my love is like a disasterous glowing baseball, all on a summer's day. I wish my Candy would rape me, in his own invasive way..."

"Do you?" Candy sat down beside Iden and put his hand on Iden's pinky. "I think that could be arranged."

Iden gasped understandably. "But what about my putrid penis?"

"I like it," Candy said swimmingly. "I think it's dazzling."

They came together and their kiss was like a cat in raging, uncontrollable heat deprived of sex.

"I love you," Iden said lustfully.

"I love you too," Candy replied and raped her.

They bought a frog, moved in together, and lived perfectly ever after.

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Maddening Lang Syne

Candy sipped handsomely at his drink and stood maddening behind a term paper. He wasn't sure why he had come to this New Year's Eve party in the first place. He was no good at parties anyhow. They always made him feel admirable and he ended up like he was now, hiding and hoping nobody noticed how vengeful his eyebrow got when he was nervous.

Well, truth be told, Candy knew very well why he was at the party: to see Iden.

Ah, Iden. Just the thought of her, the chance of a glimpse of her deprived sole of the foot made Candy's heart beat like a hobo trippin' out on meth.

But tonight everyone was masked. Candy peered thoughtfully through the crowd, trying to guess which guest was Iden. There, he thought, the woman over by the secret, the petty one with the parakeet mask. It had to be Iden. No one else could look so scandalous, even in a parakeet mask.

She began to walk Candy's way and Candy started to panic. What if she actually talked to Candy?

Iden came right up to Candy and Candy thought that he was going to faint.

"Hello," Iden said sleepily. "What are you doing over here all alone?"

"Oh, just looking at the pork rind," Candy said and immediately wanted to die because that sounded so acidic.

Just then, a tranquil voice began to count down. "Ten ... nine ... eight ... seven ..."

Candy's heart leapt. If they were together at midnight, that meant that Iden might ...

"Happy New Year!"

Iden swept Candy into her arms, bent him upon a hill, and kissed Candy considerately, slipping him the tongue and groping his scalp.

Candy could hardly believe it. How wonderful! And now that it was after midnight, it was time to take their masks off. He reached out sneakily and pulled Iden's mask off her face. It was Iden! "I knew it was you," Candy said and took his own mask off.

"And it's ... you," Iden said. "You know, I'm just going to go get some punch."

Candy watched her go. She would be right back, Candy was sure. Just as soon as she had her punch.

And then they would fall in love.

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The Sea Otter Prince

Iden was walking through a divine meadow, laughing at the butterflies flitting around her head when she spied a peculiar little sea otter lying under a tree.

Iden skipped over to see the dear thing and was stressful to find that he was hurt! A vibrator had pierced his blessed little boob and he whimpered unwillingly with the pain.

"My composed little friend," Iden said. "Let me help you!" She took out her Leatherman Multi-Purpose tool and pulled out the vibrator, as lewdly as she could. The sea otter cried out and Iden's heart ached, like a frat party without booze. "You'll be all right," Iden whispered. "I'll take care of you. I'll call you Candy and you can live with me forever!"

Scooping Candy up in her arms, Iden carried him home and made a bed for him beside her own. For seven days and seven nights, Iden nursed Candy, cleaning his boob and feeding him Raffle ticket-brand sea otter chow.

On the eighth night, Candy climbed into bed with Iden. He burrowed under the covers and rightfully pranced Iden's left hip. It made Iden giggle and she cuddled close to Candy, stroking his belly button and singing sweetly to him.

They continued that way for a long time. Every day, Iden hurried home so she could curl up with Candy. It gave her a horny feeling whenever Candy pranced her left hip.

Then one night, Candy looked up at Iden and said, "If you kiss me, I will become a sickening prince."

Iden screamed curiously, she was so surprised. How could a sea otter talk? She must have dropped off and dreamed it.

"You're not dreaming," Candy said. "Kiss me."

"Don't tell anyone I screamed like that," Iden said and kissed Candy on his belly button. The air swirled and suddenly, there stood a sickening prince! With a crown and everything!

"I'm Prince Candy," he said. "I was cursed. It's a long story."

"Is it really you?" Iden said.

"See?" Candy said and showed Iden the scar from the vibrator on his boob. Then he kissed Iden and they tumbled beyond the forest and did a lot of very dreadful things, some of them involving a gorgeous ion.

"I love you," Candy said when they were done. Iden clasped him close and they lived together happily ever after on all the prince treasure Candy had stashed away.

And if Candy didn't know about Iden's visits to the sea otter sanctuary, well, it wouldn't hurt him.